loneliness & isolation

How my experience with being left out and not relating to my environment led to bigger problems…

On a Friday morning, I was born to my parents, and since then, I pursued being an only child despite my mother's many failed pregnancies. I'm the only one they got.

For as long as I could remember, I always spent my time alone with my mother while my father was at work in another city. I do feel like part of my lack of human connection is due to my mom's overprotective behavior, though I remember the many times she would insist I go out and play with kids when we slept over at my grandmother's house. And when I did, I would get bullied. I don't know what it was about me that made people so aggressive, but what I did know was that I had no idea how to communicate or include myself with other people my age.

Years later, the bullying got worse. It was mainly in school, but no matter where I went, humans felt the urge to abuse me (spitting, slapping, insulting, threatening, humiliation, etc.). Those moments translated to aching rage and resentment that wouldn't leave my body. And what drives me crazy is that no one gave a fuck. From my mother to the teachers, they all responded to me with ignorance. Since then, I took responsibility for myself and my life at 13 years old.

In the midst of it all, I started getting into social media. I remember watching strangers from the U.S., mostly famous people, and that was how I developed my English. I got heavily influenced by American culture—every aspect of their life—and that influence only kept growing. The more it grew, the more all the beliefs and traditions my society installed in my mind dropped. You call it brainwashing; I call it waking up to the truth and seeing the light—that so many things in my life weren't okay, and I had the complete freedom to choose who I wanted to be and how I wanted to live my life. Stuff that most people from my society wouldn't realize due to the extreme rules and morals.

But on the other hand, that kind of backfired on me because I was really young and had no freedom over my life to make decisions, which made me feel like a prisoner.

I remember when I used to watch from the window of my parents' room, seeing kids playing with each other and having conversations, crying and wishing that was me. All I ever wanted was a best friend—someone who genuinely wanted me. Unfortunately, through most of my high school years, I continued feeling left out and like a burden to those who decided to give me their time. I felt like I didn't matter and that what I had to say was never something worth listening to.

Though there was one year when I had actual friends. They were two girls from my class. Life felt exciting with them. I felt like I had finally found my people—people who wanted me. But that didn't last long because I started to sabotage our friendship by distancing myself the minute I felt left out by them. It was valid, but the more time passes, the more I realize that half of it was my fault. They tried to talk to me many times. Yet I still get confused because after summer, we saw each other again at school and went back to talking normally—until one day, everything changed. As I was walking to my class, we made one last eye contact before they stopped talking to me forever.

I know I'm desperately trying to make myself sound like the bad person, but trust me, I had my reasons. They weren't strong enough for me not to reach out to them, but when you grow up isolated and traumatized, your brain is wired differently. And I could reach out to them right now and explain how left out I felt by them, how I was never included since they were two girls and I was the only guy, but it's not their fault that we live in a strict society. It's not their fault that I don't like my gender. But I just know that if I was important enough to them, they could've at least texted me and asked why I was distant. But I don't think I'm important enough to people for them to do that for me.

I wish i could go back and tell them how much i miss them, how they were the only ones I never felt judged by but sadly it's been a couple years and i don't think I'm capable of going back to the past just to find out that everybody left except me and the echoing cold air blowing through the windows of empty houses and buildings in a cursed gloomy small town.

After I turned 18, I found myself completely alone. My friends were gone, and my cousin—who I felt understood by—got married. And instead of enjoying my solitude, I decided to do the exact opposite, which was turning every second of existence into a heart-aching, gut-wrenching experience. That was all my fault, and I take all the blame. Because who would isolate themselves in the house for over three weeks? Who would sit in their own misery without making an effort to feel better? Only the damaged. And I'll admit—I'm damaged goods.

As time went by, I completely lost my desire for human connection. After a failed friendship and many failed attempts at trying to build new ones, they all seemed to share this same one thing: making me feel left out and misunderstood.

So I just stopped looking for friendships in a country where people like me are never understood. That made me go back to myself, after abandoning my empty, starving soul—one that was beginning to be filled by warmth from me.

I don't know if I will ever find someone, or if I will ever belong or feel at home. But I know that I'm the only one I've got. And I would rather swallow a knife than abandon the little child that lives inside me ever again.

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